Things that need to die today

Following a day in which I have inserted too few knives into too few faces (zero at the last count), here is a list of things that need stabbing in the face.

1. Other drivers. Driving is a privilege not a right, and other drivers have been bigger dicks than usual today. Forgetting rules of priority on roundabouts, letting me through but stopping halfway through the obstruction as they do so that I have to tell them to just get through the fucking thing, being unable to reverse even though I purposely left plenty of room to do so, having to drop down to first gear to negotiate narrow tunnels whilst I patiently wait at a green light for them to crawl through, slowing down to turn on their lights and being afraid to go above 40mph in the rain.
2. My bread slicing skills. They pay disabled people minimum wage to slice bread for the chance to call their company an ethical one, so how the fuck do I have to destroy a whole loaf in my quest for four slices of bread?
3. Stomach cramps. I get it, you don't like something that I ate, now fuck off.
4. Self important pensioners. The courier business that I work for doesn't employ seven people just to bring you the free paper every Tuesday morning, we have a couple of other jobs as well so that we can all get paid. So when I bring your papers a couple of hours later than usual (but still a day earlier than you should have them) don't spend 20 minutes berating me about it. Honestly, I couldn't care if you throw them straight in the bin, as long as I deliver before them Thursday then I'm getting paid.
5. EA's servers. In three quarters of virtual American Football, my game lagged as I was timing two field goals and three passes. It probably happened a lot of other times that I didn't notice too. There's only ever 22 players on the pitch, how hard can it be?
6. Amazon customers. The game that I was playing just a week ago doesn't work, looks like I'm about to get shafted out of a working disc. Luckily, I have the customers address.